Venting Session

So a lot has happened since my last blog.

I have broken up with Clay. I just don't feel about him the way that I used to. I've been feeling this way for about a month now. I was able to go to camp and have time to really sit down and pray about this, think it through. I sat him down Monday night and we talked about it and I ended it. He said he'd been feeling similarly (is that a word?) and that he just didn't know how to interpret his feelings. After our talk I leave to drive around and clear my head. It sucks that we aren't together and I don't feel that way anymore, but it's just how it is. I can't make those feelings reappear. 

Tuesday rolls around and everything seems fine. Then at lunch I come home because I'm broke (lol), Clay had the day off so he was washing dishes. He stops everything that he's doing and the entire lunch he sits next to me, like really closely. Whatever, right? Then I come home from work and he sits me down and wants me to know if I'm sure I just don't need space. I said no. I've had a while to think about this and I know it's over. We had plans to go see Public Enemies with a bunch of friends, so I got ready. We get to Applebee's and he squishes into the booth with me. And I'm not talking he's sitting comfortably beside me, I mean he's all up on me, really touchy. I'm starting to get annoyed. We go to Wal-Mart to get some candy and kill time. By this time I'm just pissed and annoyed. By the time we got to the theater, I didn't even want to go see the movie because I knew I'd be miserable the entire time. So Ali, Critchfield and I met Anthony outside and talked for a while, being goofy. About 11:15 we are summoned in by a text calling us anit-social. So we go in and Ali asked Paul and Critchfield to sit next to me so it wouldn't be awkward. As Paul goes to sit, Clay asks him to scoot down so he can sit next to me. Well that was when my fuse blew. I told him to stop being clingy. He asks if we can go talk. We do. I tell him to stop being clingy or being friends will not work. He says he finds it hard to believe that it's really this simple that I don't have feelings for him anymore. It is that simple! He ends up leaving. And the movie sucked.

To me, God's plan was never for us to get married or to stay together. To me, it was for us to meet and date for a while. Through Clay, I met Paul. Through Paul, I started going to Catalyst Christian Church. I was back in church again. I did a week of camp at Bluegrass Christian Camp and it was amazing. It really brought me closer to God and gave me time to realize what was going on. I realized that it's not His plan for us to be together anymore. We've served our purposes for each other. We got back into church. Clay even said that if it wasn't for me, he probably would have only visited Catalyst a couple of times, not regularly. 

All of this is frustrating me. I want to stay friends. He's my best friend. But if it's going to be like this, then I can't deal with that. He sent me a text last night that says it hurts to see me having fun. I understand he's hurting. But I've dealt with my feeling, I've had time to go through the grieving process. I'm not going to stop my life and not have fun, I do feel guilty that I hurt him and that sucks. I didn't want to hurt him, but at the same time, I knew what had to be done. I just wish he could understand. 

K. Done venting now.