Internalizing...Not Good

Okay so for those who know me, know that I have been under a great deal of stress the past few months. Alex broke up with me, I was in a not so stellar rebound relationship that has almost completely destroyed my faith in men, and then my mom died of a blood clot probably caused by the surgery she had on her knee.

With all of this going on I internalized everything. I didn't want to deal. Most of all I didn't want to talk to God, because I was angry with him. Now, I know that sounds silly and that He understands when we're angry at him, but I have never been THIS angry with Him. I felt like I had been on a magic carpet (a la Aladdin) and it had been jerked out from under me and I was plummeting. Mom was the last straw, I could deal with the boys, but taking my mom away from me when we had so much left to share and I was really starting to appreciate the relationship that we had together. I was opening up to her more about my life. I called her every day on my way home from work. All of that just stopped. It was taken away.

Now, my cousin put one thing about my Mom's death into perspective for me. I was home the Sunday and Monday before she died. Even though I had a migraine and was in bed most of those two days, we did get to spend time together. The three of us cooked Spaghetti Pie and talked. Then I realized that I got to talk to her the day she died. I got to tell her that I loved her. She posted on my Facebook that she was proud of me, I had passed my 3 month review.

Right at the one month mark of her passing, I get another horrible phone call. Nan (aka my grandmother, Mom's mom) had a stroke and she was unresponsive. About an hour after that phone call, I received another one that she had came back around and they were flying her to UK hospital. I was on my way to pick up my aunt, I was really angry with God again. He and had had a talk and we we're working things out, now this happens. Then a thought occurred to me, thanks to John Kelley at small group earlier in the week. God isn't the only one doing stuff. There is the devil. So God and I had another little chat, although still angry. I told Him if this was his idea of a distraction, no thanks. She is expected to make an almost full recovery, so that did turn out well.

Since Saturday everything I have been feeling, the hurt, the frustration, and the anger, has all been coming out in spurts. Today, I had a mini melt down and freaked out about the smallest thing. Internalizing is not healthy and everything eventually catches up to you.

Expectations to Fail

When and where in life did I pick up the expectation to fail at everything? I can remember in high school, I was the girl that had the big dreams. Somewhere between then and now, I've lost myself. Maybe it was being torn down by people in my life that, at the time, were important to me. Telling me that I could never achieve any of the dreams that I had. Now in my adult life, I'm too scared to jump. My leaps of faith have went from leaping from mountain to mountain, to skipping over cracks in the sidewalk. How do I get back to that girl? She would have finished a novel by now and either be published or beating down the doors of every publishing house in an attempt to be published. She would have started her event planning company right out of college. She wouldn't let anyone tell her no. Where is she when I need her?

Day 10: Something Your Afraid Of

Clowns. Don't want to talk about it.

Day 9:

I love this picture of us, but she hates it. This is my best friend Katie. We met on the 3rd floor of Walters Hall at EKU our sophomore year. We clicked instantly. Although we don't get to see each other often, I think it's been 2-3 years, and we don't get to talk often either except through the random text message, I know that she is still there for me no matter what. I hope she knows that I'm still here for her not matter what as well. I know I can call her in the middle of the night and she'll be there for me and vice versa. We always pick up where we left off. She's awesome.

Day 8: A place you have traveled to and where else you want to travel

Oh Chicago. How I love thee! I have been two Chicago twice. Once with a summer program and once when I was a sophomore in college. Both times were amazing! I loved doing all the touristy stuff. The Sears Tower (yes I know it's called something else now, but it will always be the Sears Tower to me), watching the Blue Man Group, Navy Pier, planetarium, aquarium, Magnificent Mile, deep dish pizza, Zest...I loved it all. It is regrettable, however, that I did not get to go to Wrigley Field. The Cubs are my favorite baseball team. I will go back and I WILL go to that darn field and I WILL see a game at Wrigley Field.

Oh London. How I want to visit thee! London, England is a big dream of mine. I have wanted to visit there ever since I can remember. I want to see Big Ben, the Thames River, go shopping, and I want to see everything that isn't touristy too! Oh London!

Day 7: What Make You Happy?

Lots of things make me happy. Nehi peach soda, Mingua beef jerky, Uncle Kenny's Cookies, pickles, good movies, good friends, a good book. I honestly could go on and on forever on stuff that makes me happy, but that's not the point. God is the one that truly makes me happy. He is all I really need. Yes, stuff is awesome, but stuff is of this Earth. It doesn't last forever, some don't even last for five minutes. God is eternal and living for Him makes me truly happy.

Day 6: Pet Peeves

Being late. Kind of like this blog almost didn't make it today! I hate being late and I hate people to be late. I was the kid in college that showed up to class 30 minutes early. I'm now the grownup that shows up to work 15 minutes early. I'm usually the first person at a place my friends and I are meeting at, I just sit in the car and kill time.

Chewing loudly. My mom chomps on her chewing gum and it drives me insane. If I'm driving, I usually make her spit it out.

Those are my two biggest pet peeves. I have a ton more, but they aren't really worth sharing and I'm exhausted and want to go to bed!