So lately I've been thinking a lot on relationships and how I've messed up so many in my short lifetime. No real names are gonna be used, but if you know me, you probably already know the stories and who these people are and some of you might actually be that guy.

My dating life has been interesting since....well.....since I started dating. Up until 2 months ago, I was always in a relationship. Before now, the longest I had ever been single was like a week, maybe two. I'm not proud to say it, but I cheated on several guys way back in the day and I'm sorry for that. I was selfish and needed to grow up. Even when I was cheated on around the age of 16 or 17, it still didn't click that hey maybe what I was doing wasn't a good idea. In high school, most of the time I would be dating someone and someone else would come along. I would start to like that someone and start "talking" to them while I was still with the other dude. Yeah I sucked. Then after 2 days of talking to the other guy I would break up with my boyfriend and start dating that guy. Again, I sucked. Other times I'd suck even harder and actually start dating the other guy BEFORE I broke up with the first one. I was a real you know what. I'm sorry to anyone that I ever did that to, whether you knew or not.

Freshman year of college I wasn't any better. I started dating one guy, we'll call him Noah. He's a very nice guy and treats me well. At the same time I still go to a certain fraternaties parties all the time. So, Noah and I break up. I go to one of the parties and meet this other guy, we'll call him Fred. So Fred and I spend most of the night talking and everything goes well. My friends decide they want to leave, so I find a pen and write my number on his arm, yes, his arm. That's all well and good. So once upon a time I told Noah that I would go home with him for a holiday and I kept my word because I wanted to get out of Richmond. While gone Fred called me. We talked a lot over my trip, we had a lot in common. Sometime on the trip though Noah and I got back together. I failed to mention that to Fred. So when I got back, I kinda started dating him, too. Yes, I really suck and I'm a huge b****! I know. After that, I pretty much have blocked it out, because let's face it, who wants to remember how horrible they were?

Skipping forward to the summer after freshman year. I stayed in Richmond. By this time I had grown up, I wasn't selfish anymore. I knew that my past with guys sucked. I had learned from my mistakes and it has made me a better person. I am no longer that girl. She is long gone. Started working at Penn Station. Meet an awesome guy that came in, we'll call him John, we started dating, he broke up with me a month later on the internet, after telling me he thought he was falling in love with me. Yeah, he sucks, but Karma as they say is a b*****, so I deserved to have my heart ripped out. At the same time though, he should have had the cohones to tell me in person. Whatever, I'm over it.

Then sophomore year I meet another guy, we'll call him Sam. I'm still hurting from John. Sam seems safe, so we start dating, although I wasn't entirely over John. And to tell you the truth, it took a VERY long time to get over him. I dated Sam for almost 3 years and about a year of that, I still wasn't over John. Yeah, again, I suck and I'm terrible.

After 8 months of being together, Sam proposes. I know Sam would never intentionally hurt me and I really did love him, so I accepted. But low and behold, this did not last. We were together for almost 3 years and I was miserable for about a year and a half of it. He spent most of his time on the computer. Once, we were supposed to go to the movies and dinner, but it took him 3 hours to get off the computer and we ended up missing the movie and just going to dinner. He was more interested in the computer than me. Then I wanted to go out with my friends, he said he was okay with that, but he wasn't. He was always really hateful whenever I got back. There were other things too, but I just don't want to go into them, so that's a general view of the situation.

Eventually I knew I wasn't in love with him anymore. So I needed to end it. People I must stress, DO NOT BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE IN A RESTUARANT!! Yeah, I did that. He kept asking me what was wrong and frankly I didn't want to get into it there, but he kept on and kept on until I burst out that I wasn't happy. Yeah not pretty.

Then there's Kirk. Yeah....hmmm....NEVER EVER date a very good friend, it only ends in disaster. Once upon a time, we dated in high school, I cheated on him, we broke up. Speed ahead to June of this year. We started dating again. BIG MISTAKE! I don't know if he realizes it, but he was mean. I felt like he picked fights with me and then he wouldn't apologize for any of it. He picked a fight with me on the day of my sister's engagement party!! Come on! Like I said, Karma's a b****. We broke up shortly after that. Big surprise.

So the whole point of this? Karma's a b****. Think about things before you do them. Be honest with the person you are in a relationship with. Karma will come at you so fast and just roundhouse kick you in the head until you can't stand up. If you do make mistakes, think about them, learn from them, and grow because of them. Don't keep making the same mistakes over and over. Don't judge me for who I was in the past, like I said I'm no longer that girl. At least I learned from my mistakes, most people don't even do that.

So what brought all of this on? A whole bunch of stuff really. People have asked me for advice on relationships, so I've had to think about what I've done in the past. Also, I've been running into ghosts from my past a lot lately. John and I have talked recently about how badly he screwed me over and that he was sorry for it. I had already forgiven him a long time ago, but now I got to tell him that. I very recently ran into Fred. I apologized to him and he said it was okay. Then there has been dreams about the past that I wake up from and am kinda freaked out about because I haven't thought of that person in years and then I do think about them and it kind of makes me sick to my stomach because of how I treated them.

So people, be nice, be honest, don't suck. Okay I'm done rambling now. Live, Learn, and Grow.