Internalizing...Not Good

Okay so for those who know me, know that I have been under a great deal of stress the past few months. Alex broke up with me, I was in a not so stellar rebound relationship that has almost completely destroyed my faith in men, and then my mom died of a blood clot probably caused by the surgery she had on her knee.

With all of this going on I internalized everything. I didn't want to deal. Most of all I didn't want to talk to God, because I was angry with him. Now, I know that sounds silly and that He understands when we're angry at him, but I have never been THIS angry with Him. I felt like I had been on a magic carpet (a la Aladdin) and it had been jerked out from under me and I was plummeting. Mom was the last straw, I could deal with the boys, but taking my mom away from me when we had so much left to share and I was really starting to appreciate the relationship that we had together. I was opening up to her more about my life. I called her every day on my way home from work. All of that just stopped. It was taken away.

Now, my cousin put one thing about my Mom's death into perspective for me. I was home the Sunday and Monday before she died. Even though I had a migraine and was in bed most of those two days, we did get to spend time together. The three of us cooked Spaghetti Pie and talked. Then I realized that I got to talk to her the day she died. I got to tell her that I loved her. She posted on my Facebook that she was proud of me, I had passed my 3 month review.

Right at the one month mark of her passing, I get another horrible phone call. Nan (aka my grandmother, Mom's mom) had a stroke and she was unresponsive. About an hour after that phone call, I received another one that she had came back around and they were flying her to UK hospital. I was on my way to pick up my aunt, I was really angry with God again. He and had had a talk and we we're working things out, now this happens. Then a thought occurred to me, thanks to John Kelley at small group earlier in the week. God isn't the only one doing stuff. There is the devil. So God and I had another little chat, although still angry. I told Him if this was his idea of a distraction, no thanks. She is expected to make an almost full recovery, so that did turn out well.

Since Saturday everything I have been feeling, the hurt, the frustration, and the anger, has all been coming out in spurts. Today, I had a mini melt down and freaked out about the smallest thing. Internalizing is not healthy and everything eventually catches up to you.